I know... it's becoming a joke, but there truly are more green tomatoes out there in the garden. See? I left these vines growing because they were healthier and had more air circulation. But these tomatoes still haven't begun to ripen.
I guess I'll make a proper jam this time -- no chutney. My gosh, what am I going to do with all that chutney?
So... ummm... big inner changes happening here. I'm pretty grumpy and discombobulated, trying to make new choices and feel more empowered in my life.
My cousin will be dying soon. My father is still ill and keeps going in and out of the hospital (which my brother and I don't hear about until after he's back and brushing his teeth at home). And I'm still trying to dig myself out of the load of anger my brother dumped on me a couple of weeks ago. His half-hearted apology ("You didn't deserve it.") doesn't erase the very mean things he said or the entire week I spent confused and sad about it all -- especially when he warns me that he may unload on me again like that (ummm... no, dear tortured brother, that's not okay with me).
I'm still trying to figure out what being a mom is all about. When does she need all of me? When is it okay to do some of my own stuff? I still feel that the best way for me to restore my health and well-being is through art/creativity of some kind. I keep making exploratory gestures in this realm, but I feel inner urgency to make it a priority.
To this end, I re-arranged the "Creating Room" again. Remember when I came to the realization that I'd never get time to do my own stuff in my own space unless I figured out how to share the space intentionally with E?
Well, the Creating Room has been working out pretty well in some ways. I mostly have stopped calling it "my office," and E and I do quite a bit in there -- for her. This weekend I finally decided to bring more of my stuff -- another bookshelf, books, and some extra art supplies -- into the Creating Room. I don't know why rearranging things helps me so much. I also feel comforted now to have Rumi, Lynda Barry, Ram Das, Clifford Geertz, and some delicious fairy tale books (mine!) close to me while I go through these mountains of grief and anger. I've felt so lost lately. It helps to see these books because they remind me of what matters to my heart.
Meanwhile, those green tomatoes are hanging out there on the fence, taunting me...