moody mess

"." from hell.  I am from hell.  I am Medusa or Kali.  Cramps.  Flooding.  Clots bigger than rocks. (Like you wanted to hear that?  Yeah, I know...  but it's all about me right now so you're gonna hear about it.)

I've had some glimmers that I was getting better, making progress, moving closer to the person I want to be.  My therapist has taken some moments to help me see the real changes I'm making in how I interact with others and protect my own energies.

I also have had some ideas surface for art projects -- always a sign to me that junk is being cleared so that some positive energy can move.

It feels as though all of that has gone out the window.  I've been grumpy ( <-- perhaps too mild of a word choice) with D and E.  I feel helpless about it.

You know how kids tell strangers how old they are?  E has been telling everyone that she's still three, but she's *almost* four.  Then she announces, "and my mom is almost forty-four!"

This "." is bringing me to my knees.  I mean this period in my daughter's childhood -- the terrible, tantrum-filled three's.  I mean this menstrual period is literally bringing me to my knees because the cramps are so intense.  I mean that this period of momhood (in my wrinkling forties) is bringing me to my knees.

I don't know if I can do it.  There is no buffer for me.  Hyper-vigilance and unreasonable expectations (mostly of myself) rule the roost here.  Uninterrupted sleep hasn't happened in two weeks or more. 

I've had this little bottle of Alprazolam since January.  Twenty 1 mg pills.  My GP relented and gave me the prescription while I waited for the appointment with the busy psychiatrist.  I have two-and-a-half pills left.  I did okay, right?  I didn't abuse the prescription?  I used it carefully, I think.  I broke the pills in half and just used them as needed. 

I just don't know what I will do when the bottle is done.  There still is no solution for me.

How on earth am I supposed to...

• be pleasant to and conscious of others?
• be supportive to sick or unglued relatives?
• regularly deal with aggression or passive-aggression from my family-of-origin?
• raise a spirited toddler in a healthy, safe and loving way?
• go to therapy (and pay for therapy with money and precious time) and do hard work there so that the first four items on this list can be accomplished?
• make-beds-and-clean-up-shit-all-day and then do it all again tomorrow?
• keep up with the laundry (separate category... if you're a mom, you know what I mean)?
• cook and clean up after, twice a day or more?
• go through peri-menopause?
• deal with the fact that I have no answer to the question about what I will do professionally someday? (will I be alive then?)
• distinguish quickly and lovingly (toward myself and toward my daughter) when something happens between us that stirs up a PTSD episode for me?
• figure out how to be a fun (or at least reasonable) wife to D? (<-- failing big time here.)
• find time to get my hair cut or get to the dentist?
• keep up with the garden?

Sorry to be so graphic, but I really just want to go out into the forest and sit naked on some moss.  This *life* I have is too reactive and needy to support *me* right now.  I want to be more grounded, closer to the earth, maybe *on top of* the earth so that the hugeness of soil, rocks, and living things can support me as I go through this big change.

I don't think I'm always going to be this miserly when I think about my daily life.  I *hope* being a mom won't always be so hard.  I think my blood sugar can stabilize more if I do a few big things

But right now I'm overwhelmed and don't know how to take the first positive step.  I don't see any rest or comfort ahead, just more impossible work.

So I feel helpless and stupid.  What's the use?

Please, someone, show me how to create a hut (with soft moss and some powerful rocks) in the middle of this mess?

I need support.  I feel like a freak and doubt myself.

Comments

[Account Deleted]

be pleasant to and conscious of others? You are doing fine…nobody can be pleasant and conscious of others all the time and when you can’t be---don’t be afraid to just say ‘I can’t manage to be pleasant right now----I’m overwhelmed.” People understand. Even the people that we THINK don’t get overwhelmed really do…

be supportive to sick or unglued relatives? Be supportive in any way you can and if you can’t just step back. Sick is one thing…unglued is another. You and your family are top priority. You are a good and kind person….stepping back won’t change that.

regularly deal with aggression or passive-aggression from my family-of-origin? Ahhhhh….that’s a tough one. I think my thoughts above hold for this one too.

raise a spirited toddler in a healthy, safe and loving way? Another difficult one. Seems to be you are doing that perfectly already. Keep in mind that doing it perfectly doesn’t mean it GOES perfectly. I found the twos a breeze compared to the threes. All I can say is that is does get easier. This is just how it is….I found it much easier with Owen than Leo because I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel and no matter how foul he was he was still going to be a sweet and helpful little boy eventually!

go to therapy (and pay for therapy with money and precious time) and do hard work there so that the first four items on this list can be accomplished? Perhaps the hardest of all…..but again….making yourself top priority is really helping E and D…

make-beds-and-clean-up-shit-all-day and then do it all again tomorrow?
Oh hell… we just gave up with this….

keep up with the laundry (separate category... if you're a mom, you know what I mean)? Ahhhh….sometimes you will have to talk to my husband about the tyranny of laundry and poop….

cook and clean up after, twice a day or more? I don’t feed my kids nearly as well as I would have thought….they are healthy however…often we do early easy meals for them and then can relax and enjoy doing a nice meal for ourselves albeit way too late at night…

go through peri-menopause? Sucks…. Having Ernie deal with his hormone therapy puts it in perspective for me. We’re kind of both in peri-menopause…..!.....

deal with the fact that I have no answer to the question about what I will do professionally someday? (will I be alive then?) Put this aside right now….unless it feels like fun to think about it. You are following some wonderful interests and passions of your own…they will lead you in a direction when the time comes….

distinguish quickly and lovingly (toward myself and toward my daughter) when something happens between us that stirs up a PTSD episode for me? Can’t answer this one for you but you are working on it and aware and that’s all you can do….

figure out how to be a fun (or at least reasonable) wife to D? (<-- failing big time here.) Easier said than done, huh? I try too…..but last night I got really mad at Ernie when he rejected a fork I had used for a bite and got a clean one. Eh, I don’t know…..easier said than done. As long as you love him….

find time to get my hair cut or get to the dentist? Oh hell, I kind of gave up on this one….I MUST make a dentist appointment…

keep up with the garden? Do what you can and give yourself a break when you can’t….and enjoy the dirt….

[Bipolarlawyercook]

I don't know- I invariably pack up and go visit a girlfriend for a long weekend. It usually helps a bit.

Sorry you're having a hard time right now.

[Lisa M. Lynch]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time, Cathy. I wish I could say something wise, but I can't. We spent time at the beach this weekend, where I picked through loads of fossils that were sitting on the sand and in the tidepools.

The fossils helped me forget about myself for awhile. Little bivalve and gastropod shells surviving millions of years. Touching them took me someplace else for a moment.

[TaylorJane]

Sounds like you need lots of love. I will put you in my prayers today, and know that the Goddess is holding you. She always is.

On a more practical level - Vitex? Yarrow? Crampbark? Motherswort? Get a copy of Susun Weed's book Wise Woman for the Menopausal Years. Many women I know swear by it. I am also happy to answer questions about the herbs.

You can do this.

Blessed Be.

[Mrs. Chicken]

Not a freak at all. Just a human and a mom with a lot on her plate. Trust me when I say that those of us without PTSD have enough trouble. I can only imagine how hard it can get for you.

Wishing I could help so sending a hug instead.

[chris]

Know what helps me when I am done with life in general? I give up on "doing" and tune into myself and usually end up spending time doing quirky things that drag my butt back into the present - like, I roll up my sleeves and turn on the sink and place my elbows under the running water. (yeah and I usually just keep going and do my forearms and hands too but it's Gotta start with the elbows - a part of our anatomy that doesn't get the attention it deserves!)

I don't have PTSD so I can only imagine how incredibly grinding it can be for you.....but I can tell you that I gave up on any sort of strict cleaning regime years and years ago. We ARE clean in general, but I certainly don't care if we win any awards for spotlessness at my home. We stay healthy over here and we eat piecemeal more and more the older my sons get. (as in , we eat a source of protein that appeals, a carb, a veggie, etc.....they don't have to go together, except to our stomach :) Pull out some leftover cold chicken, maybe a cup of skim milk or yogurt, some Wasa crackers and a piece of fruit. Eating done. No cleanup. We do this for dinner too, several nights in a row, if I feel I need that type of week. Or we have breakfast for dinner....french toast or pancakes. Yep no veggies on those nights :) The world still rotates. Yet my mind is a lot easier if I can "escape" the major dinner routine and I feel like I can "move around" a bit more mentally. This is good for my whole family. They don't mind in the least :)

Sure, sometimes I have the urge to cook great meals...but I think that this is rare anymore. The thanklessness of preparing food that my kids didn't eat well and then having to spend an hour to clean up after it made no sense and I finally, finally gave up my Mrs. Cleaver ideals and am happier...in fact my family is happy too. They were always happy. No shift in them. It was just *my deal. I remove the thankless tasks immediately without all the inner mental posturing now :)

So, let's see what else constitutes thankless...oh yes......I don't do laundry much unless we absolutely have to - my husband does rib me about this but I am not a laundress and that's that. We all wear clean clothing to the best of my ability and life rotates. Or we find two dirty socks and rewear them. (and life still turns) Usually we all wear sandals whenever we can. No need for socks then! We reuse our towels after showers for days...they aren't dirty after all, just wet ....I also am a famous "combiner" meaning that I am quite lenient in what I think is a light and what is a dark clothing. Therefore more of each can go into any load I do. Technically this is incorrect laundry procedure but I just want to get the things we need done. And it works. I also save on drying and time by hanging shirts up when still very damp. If I forget, things have been known to stay in the dryer for 2 or more days in a row. Which is bad because I don't iron anything, unless my sons need a shirt for Prom night or some other such occasion.

As for the sick and unglued relatives...you can only give what you've got. I agree with the person above that your family (husband , you and daughter) is priority one....everyone in your life who really knows you should know that. And if they don't (the unglued ones) then nothing you frazzle yourself to do will make a hill of difference to their poor boundaries anyway.

Wishing you a whole slew of sunny and at-peace days....

[nyjlm]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now. I found three to be brutal, not so much with Sam, but Maya.It nearly killed me. But it does get better, it really does.
The endless repetition of laundry and dishes- never ends. Lately I'm finding that if I can just submit to it instead of railing against it, it is easier to deal with. But you have so many things you're working through right now. Cut yourself some slack. It's been said already here, but it is ok to be clean but not neat. It's ok for the laundry to pile up.
Hang in there Cathy, you'll get through it.

[magpie]

Shite.

It's very hard. I'm feeling these days like there's just not enough time. On Sunday, I was paralyzed with indecision - stay where I was, where I didn't want to be, or go home, where I didn't want to be either (because my husband was in a bad bad mood).

Cut yourself a little slack.

And why can't you get a refill on the pills?