I'm feeling sad and lost. My dad is dying. My kid needs way more of me than I have to give. My husband tries to turn up the volume and drown me out because he doesn't like the way I close off and take time to myself after E goes to sleep.
All I do here is clean up snot, poop, pee, and dirt. Tonight during dinner, little E said, "Woman, give me more milk." We spent some time explaining how her wording was not nice, but -- really -- that is my function for her.
I am so tired of this life of cleaning, cooking, paying attention to every little thing. I need another fucking weekend at the coast. Or I need my family to go away. All of them. Is it so wrong for a 44-year-old stay-at-home-mom to a preschooler to go absolutely ape-shit once in awhile over these soul-sucking constraints?
When I most need help reclaiming my esteem here, I find it impossible because of the kid. If it were just me and D, I'd beat him to a pulp and then take what's coming to me. Having E there always changes what he and I can work through together.
I love E. I love D. I love me, but I hate my life right now. Maybe when the garden goes again I'll feel better, but I think something is not quite right.
the garden will help honey....take care...
Posted by: Cynthia | January 16, 2009 at 06:45 AM
how are you doing today? A thought...wonder if talking to a hospice counselor would be useful for you?
Can you escape to a coffee shop for a few hours tomorrow? Or a movie?
Wish I could come spell you for a bit.
Posted by: nyjlm | January 17, 2009 at 03:01 PM