no funeral

When my dad dies, there will be no funeral, obituary, or memorial -- per his request.  He will be cremated, and his ashes will be scattered at sea by the Neptune Society.  My mother, brother, and I won't even be on the boat that goes out to scatter them -- per my parents' request.

(Of course, that does not limit what I do, privately, to honor his life.  A very appropriate plan has revealed itself to me in the last couple of weeks, and it will give me an opportunity to tie some important threads together and put some hard things to rest.)

When I told my childhood friend P about my parents' wishes, she said, "Your mother will not have a funeral or marker for your father...It's almost like your parents don't think they deserve to be here at all.  They try to remain so anonomous and invisible. No bother, no needs.. almost like they do not exist."

This feeds into a phone conversation my dad and I had today.

Of course, I cancelled the trip to Boise.  When I did so, I had to tell my cousin a little bit about why I wouldn't be able to come.  She understood and wondered if she could bring her mother out to say goodbye to my dad.  I told her I'd ask my parents the next time I saw them in person.  I did that yesterday.  I said, "No pressure, but J would really like to see dad."

Today my dad called to ask what he should do.  Should he call his sister?  Should he call his niece?  Who the fuck is he supposed to call?  What would his sister understand (she has some stroke-related dementia, and she has aphasia which makes impatient people like my father think she understands less than she really does)? 

My dad had a complete tantrum on the phone with me -- angry that I told them anything about his health, angry about being put in a position to have a real conversation that might involve feelings, angry at having to admit the truth.

I said, "Dad, they love you..."

Get this...  he said in snarly, sing-song voice, "Oh, well isn't that nice!  Ugh."  (Sort of like the Church Lady, actually -- really over the top.)  It was as if it offended him that they would debase themselves enough to have feelings or attachments to him.  And he felt inconvenienced to have to communicate directly and tell them he didn't want visitors.

There was so much there in that conversation.

He can't stand feelings.  He does not honor the different relationships other people might have -- with him and with one another.  Relationships inconvenience him.  This is all about his privacy being invaded.

His sister has lost her husband and son this year, and now she is going to lose her only brother.  Minor dementia or no, can't my father see that it would be a human thing for him to do to at least have a telephone conversation with his own sister?

Once I asked my therapist, "So what's wrong with my dad anyway?  Does he just not care what happened or just not care about my life? Is he a narcissist?"

She told me that there is a narcissistic personality type that is somewhat different than when someone moves in and out of narcissistic behavior.  She thinks that my dad is truly incapable of caring about anyone because -- on deep levels -- we don't exist as separate from him.  Things work well, and he's happy when we're all moving around him to serve his needs.  As soon as we do or think something independently, his rage comes out.  (And I have the scars to prove that.)

That was a helpful conversation, and it lets me just watch some of what's going on right now without feeling too hurt or angry.  It's almost amusing -- in a sad, sad way. 

It's sort of like abject narcissism...  and I think he fantasizes that he will just -poof!- and be out of here when he dies, and there will be no feelings or attachments left behind.  No marker.  No funeral.  No obituary.  Gone.

 

Comments

[nyjlm]

when you have shared things about your dad with me I have felt so angry at him for the things he's done to you my friend. Hearing about his wishes for after his death makes me feel sad for him.
I think I wrote about this in the cafe- a therapist a few years ago told me to think of my dad's narcissism as if it were diabetes- just a part of him and not a reflection on me. Sounds like you are moving in that direction too.

[cynthia]

Wow. Wow. My reaction while I was reading this is similar to nyjlm's...if it weren't for what this does and has done to you I would feel profoundly sorry for him... Frankly it sounds like a sad ending for a sad life.

You may have your struggles but you have a rich life and a rich life with others....how sad that he wasn't able to...

take care

[cathy]

I agree with both of you. It's very sad. I'm heartbroken.

I watch this unfold, and I can't believe it. No matter what happened in the past, I cherish him. He can't feel that or doesn't know what to do with the feelings he has when people remind him that he's connected.

What's going on is so overwhelming that I really don't know what to do except to write about some of it here. And it's hard because I feel I can't say as much as I need to say without betraying confidences.

[Sarah Head]

I feel very sad this is happening the way it is and also shocked in many ways. I have been at funerals where there has only been less than half a dozen family and friends to honour the passing because that was all there was left of both family and friends, but I have never heard of the person dying demanding there should be no funeral or memorial. The funeral or memorial, like a marriage, is not for the dead person, it is for the living, for the family and community to acknowledge the rite of passage however they wish to do that.

When my friend's father died, she wanted to honour his memory in her own way. She is a Druid priestess and she invited members of her grove to join her in a ritual to honour his memory. We met on a freezing February afternoon in a beech wood. It rained and snowed and we laughed and wept during the ceremony. I never met her father, nor any other members of her family, none of whom joined her in the wood. We stood by her while she buried his ashes under a fallen tree and planted snowdrops to mark the place. It was not for him we did this, although we honoured his spirit as we honour all the ancestors and spirits of place. We did this for my friend and in it she found comfort.

I hope you feel able to do whatever you wish to do in the coming days and weeks.

[Mike]

I am in the process of making my last wishes known. I could be your dad, but I am sure I am not.

What I have been thinking/trying to do is prevent my loved ones from having to deal with a venue where they would feel obligated to demonstrate their devotion to me - something I do not like to do despite the fact I am wholly devoted to them.

You have made it clear to me that instead of concerning myself with protecting my children and wife from the grave, I should try instead to provide them with a mechanism to grieve.

Thanks.

[Vicky]

My parents made a decision a long time ago to be cremated when they pass. They said "If people want to see me, they should do it while I'm alive, not wait until I'm dead." My father is in a hospice facility and will not go home. They expect him to pass any day. I live 3000 miles away (Seattle) with my grown kids and grandkids and we can not all get back to see him as we can not afford it. My mother says "You have your family out there". there will be no funeral service, no chance to see his face again. The plans on having a 'service' in her sunroom for 'immediate family only' which means my brother, his wife and child and my brother. My mother said, well I feel funny about just cremating him and not having SOME kind of service. (You think?)
It's hard to describe how this makes us feel. We have had to go on with our lives. When I told my mother that I couldn't continue to call every day to hear screaming in the background of my father's pain, she had a problem with that. I explained it's like hearing your father in pain in the road in front of your house, but all the door are locked and you can't get outside to help him.

There is no right answer to this. There are hurt feelings that go very deep. It's amazing how the ones that "love you" can hurt you the worst.

[growingcurious]

I empathize, Vicky. This is a very difficult situation you're in. I was able to make peace by having my own, private ceremony on the beach. It ended up being very beautiful and meaningful for me -- just me, the waves, and the sand.

[Corinne]

To put it simply, if they didn't come to see me when I was still alive I wouldn't want them staring at me in my casket.