A firm diagnosis. My dad will live another month maybe. Hospice comes tomorrow for the first time. My mother was wordless. My dad said, "No long faces..."
And that's that. Now it begins, and I wonder if I will be allowed to say goodbye or much of anything. I will stand ready to help, but I will not offer help because it makes them angry when I do.
I'm so very sorry sweetheart....
Posted by: Account Deleted | February 09, 2009 at 02:40 PM
I'm sorry Cathy.
Posted by: Lisa | February 09, 2009 at 05:49 PM
I'm so sorry, Cathy. I hope you find a way to spend time with your father during the near future. Helping doesn't have to be overt - some soup or other simple food to leave in their freezer/refridgerator, washing dishes, other housework, sitting and reading the newspaper out loud to your Dad or something else he enjoys reading/listening to. E could also tell him a story when she visits. I'm sure you'll find a way to do what you need to do. Much love, Sarah
Posted by: Sarah Head | February 11, 2009 at 04:20 AM
I am so, so deeply sorry, Cathy. And your post "again, grief denied" and the others between that one and this just ripped my heart out.
Listen, yes, you have to respect their "obscene" need for what they call privacy, but which, it seems clear (at least to me, not in it but having walked through my own parallel adventures) is three-quarters part CONTROL and one part denial.
When people, including those we love and/or are related to, can't deal with or control their own inner anxieties, they react (viciously, often, and irrationally, and crazy-makingly) by trying to control everyone else's behavior. Sounds like this is what's at play here, all around this (like the stuff w/ the helpful cousin).
Cathy: there's not really any way to get through this "right." Just hang with them, do the best you can, and work as hard and as soft as you can at **** holding on to yourself **** . I think one of the hugest, if not THE most challenging piece of "relationship school" is staying firmly (not aggressively), in what and who you are... your authentic self ... even while in the presence of people who are important to you who pressure you in every way possible to NOT be who you are. Not trying to convince or change them, but staying, calmly, truthful to and in yourself. You have to do a lot of self-soothing to be able to carry this off at all, let alone at such a difficult time. But it's a skill and a task that will carry you to your true home time and again.
I can't possibly say, in practical terms, what you should do to "help." For you --- and life being what it is, "you" will be around longer than either of your folks ---- perhaps just to be there, be present, bear witness, quietly hold on to yourself as they do their thing... their choices of how much to see, what to say, what not to say. Whether or not they know it, your calm presence is the best "help" and whatever else you can or can't bring, you'll know as the moment arises.
**** No long faces? Lord, why not? Because I love you, Dad, and I will miss you... Because you are dying and it looks like we will never get a chance to get it straight... because I would like to simply wear my own face, whatever length it is or isn't, not the one you think I should have, yes even at this moment when you are dying...***
None of which, I understand, you can probably say: except maybe here, or in a journal, or to God/Goddess/Higher Power / That. But I empathize, Cathy.
Hard stuff.
My mother was controlling, narcissistic, difficult, melodramatic, etc etc her whole life. Now, thankfully, she is 94 and in dementia --- she doesn't have the capacity to do any of the stuff any more, and she's forgotten most of the old real or imagined slights and sufferings and constructs in which she imprisoned herself, and for many years, tried (and sometimes succeeded) in imprisoning me. A lot of my work in ripening towards peace and maturation lay in the self-soothing kind of stuff I'm advocating here. Hardest work a person ever does (especially in the moments of high drama), but I am so glad I did it.
And now that she's lost it, amazingly, she's just kind of drifting into a bhakti-love place. Acceptance, giving and receiving love... she can't control any more, or worry about the past or future. It's not what I would have imagined or wanted for either of us, but you know, it's sweet. When her life ends, we will be at peace. I am deeply glad I've had this strange, strange opportunity to love her without all the stuff. Never expected to, but...
Anyway, you just keep walking. "We make the path by walking." There's no way to be ready for these things --- you just go through them, and later, perhaps, understand them. You're only ready afterward, when you're facing the next thing you're not ready for!
Whatever you parents do or don't do, know, as you already do, that there are many in the magnificently demanding, bittersweet world who love and praise and strive for transparency, who struggle to remain in it, truly and authentically.
And who honor this struggle in you.
And I am one.
cd
Posted by: Crescent Dragonwagon | February 11, 2009 at 08:34 AM