big questions late at night

Today was a good day.  Sun, garden, unexpected kid-free time, dinner at a new restaurant and then a walk afterwards.  We even ran into friends while on our walk -- a very bizarre experience for homebodies like us.

However, I am sleepless at 3am.  My muscles are so sore that my bones hurt.  Every single part of my body aches from garden work.  Tomorrow is going to be another sunny day in the garden so I'm worried about this sleeplessness.

We have some extra cottage stones leftover from our last project so I decided to reclaim another unused area of our vegetable garden to make a bed for artichokes.

I'm still worried that the asparagus hasn't come up yet.  I thought that the crowns would send up shoots right away after they were put into the ground.  I worry I put the crowns in upside down.

I like the idea of perennial vegetables.  I like rhubarb fine -- but not enough to grow it.  Having asparagus and artichokes would be wonderful.  We'll see...  this is a long-term experiment...

I still wish I knew who I am now and what I could do for work someday when E spends more time in school.  This has been such a struggle for me.  I worry about it 150% of every waking moment.  I did that old work for a long time, and I hate it.  But I'm not quite equipped yet to do the things that I love doing now in a professional way. 

I don't know how to find myself within this unknowing and move forward. 

I think I need an impartial coach of some sort.

And I still don't know how much of my creative energy will come back to me as E grows older.  For now, at 4, she is still so consuming.

I really feel lost about this.  Will I have more energy in the next few years?  Can I figure out how to get a job again?  I'm almost 45, so these questions have a different urgency to them.

Comments

[nyjlm]

I keep repeating Jen Louden's words to me from the cafe- you don't have answer this right now, you don't need all the answers right now. I have found comfort in that- and have allowed myself to enjoy now without feeling frustrated if what I'm enjoying doesn't seem related to my future. Does that make sense? I can't quite get the words right.

((hugs))) to you my friend. I hope you see asparagus soon.

[Taylor]

Early morning answers:

Look for a 'Life Coach' - I know the exist in the PDX area. Lots of people do need just that impartial, compassionate, listening ear to sort out the details. ((Shameless self promotion: this is something that I do in addition to doing a full herbal/health intake. It's a package deal...and I come to PDX fairly frequently.))

Perennial Veggies/Fruits? They're great to fill in odd areas - rhubarb tucked in a sunny, but hard to get to corner is really pretty - or to give a little definition to annual beds, to have something There even when the garden is asleep for the winter. And just a shout out for rhubarb - a mature rhubarb plant is the first fresh 'fruit' you can harvest usually. When I was little my mom would freeze whole stems and we would eat them in the summer, frozen and dipped into a little melted honey. SO good.

Now I'm rambling. In our Conflict Intervention Training at Country Fair we learn that EVERYONE (you, the President, Bono, a junkie under a bridge, me, our kids...) is doing THE BEST THEY CAN - always and no matter what. Not that we can't do better, but don't get down on yourself for the here and now. You might really miss it someday.