a sunflower

Where have I been?

I feel like crying.

I am so overwhelmed...  by life...  by challenges...  by gratefulness...  by worry and angst.

I can't decide how to catch up here.  Do you want the details or the nitty-gritty?  I also want to share my new method for making beans.  Maybe I'll share that in a different post.

The need to cry?

Today E finished her first year of preschool.  There was an awesome moment when the older "graduating" Sunflowers gave the younger Rosebuds (E's group) real sunflowers, signifying their transition into the next Sunflower class.

This transition has been very meaningful for E.  Here are just a few of the things she said to me today:  "I'm going to make poops in the morning when I'm a Sunflower...  Mamma, my arms are longer now that I'm a Sunflower!...  My voice is deeper now, isn't it?...  Can I walk outside for awhile in my old Rosebud shoes, just to remember?"

I love that her teacher and classmates created enough kid-centered ritual for today so that she could feel the transition.  That's so powerful, and it's something I hope we can build upon as she grows. I didn't have that recognition of transitions when I was growing up because events and growth weren't celebrated like that in my family.  This is why I studied ritual and meaning in college.  I craved it.

I'm proud of E, of course, but there's been a confluence of end-of-school year challenges for both of us so the need to cry is more about me, I think.  For instance...

• Is this stupid?  I didn't know how much *energy* end-of-school events and responsibilities require of a parent.  Granted, it's a cooperative school, but this is preschool for goshsakes!  Was I doing something wrong?  Every day for the last month has felt huge, overwhelming, loaded, political, spiritually-challenging, and just plain busy because of school stuff.  Why?  Am I weird?  Did I take on too much?  Does it get easier when the kid gets older and goes to public school?

• One of my parent jobs for the year was to create a DVD of the schoolyear.  This was challening for me because I had to learn new software and publish something in a different medium.  I put so much energy into this project (see above), and I was crushed when the teacher turned the DVD off half-way through the show so that she could move onto other things.  I felt so embarrassed, as if I had failed.  I tried so hard and wish it would have captivated the kids' interest even though they were crazy-full of energy.  Unrealistic, yes, and "adult Cathy" understands the teacher's decision completely, but I had hoped to succeed, and I feel I didn't.

• However, the school year is really over now, and that damn DVD project is over, too, and I feel ugly-weird-huge-naked RELIEF!  Like, okay...  I got a C-, but at least I get to graduate or something.  Shit howdy!  I'm free!

• D and I have been working like crazy so that we can host an end-of-the-year gathering for some families at our house on Saturday.  This is what I mean about a confluence of events and energy happening...  the gathering is so that I can teach a few mothers how to make jam, and it's part of a whole year of food preservation coaching I offered to the school for its fund-raising auction.  I didn't have anything "real" to donate and searched my life for something to offer up and realized I could teach people how to make jam and pickles.  So I've spent the last two months figuring out how to make this work, and now three other mothers are coming over on Saturday with their six kids (and one husband to help D watch them all) for jam-making.  I'm pretty scared, and we've been working so hard to kid-proof our yard and house so that seven kids can run around and celebrate the beginning of summer vacation while I try to share what I know.  (My mother-in-law has been coming over to weed and "clean up" our yard because she's embarrassed at how bad our yard is...  it's that sort of thing going on over here...)

• And my dad is dead, you know?  I've been thinking about that a lot lately.  I don't know what I feel about it all.  I'm still glad for him to be released from his pain.  My mother is not well now, and she's being stubborn, and a new level of worry for her is sinking through my psyche despite the chaos here.

Enough, I think.  Time for summer.  Time for swimming and gardening and letting go of some responsibilities.  Time for new things to bloom.

Comments

[Sarah Head]

Hi Cathy

How about a few moments of deeply breathing out while we think about your many wonderful achievements over the past year.

Yes it's the first year of your first child's experience of social interaction and you've been positively involved and she's really enjoyed it. That is so wonderful! Yes, it will get easier and less traumatic as she goes into public school. You won't need to be so physically present. There will still be reading and spellings and other homework to do with her after school and trips to go on and maybe helping with school activities such as reading or cake making and suchlike - but only if you are willing and you have the time. You may not be put into your own child's class to help out. It all depends on the school.

How fantastic that you've made a DVD of the school year. Playing it is not a one-off occasion controlled by the teacher. You own the creative rights to the DVD because you did it and you weren't paid for it. You own the copyright. You could play it when E has friends round to play, you could give copies to other parents for Christmas gifts. What you have done is a wonderful memory which is with you for all time. You have been fantastically successful!

Oh my - you have such wonderful kitchen skills and now you're going to share them with others. Your responsibility is only for the jam making and the welfare of the women in the kitchen with you. You are not responsible for the welfare of the 7 kids who are also around (and hopefully will be nowhere near the kitchen!)It's up to the dads to take care of them. They're perfectly capable, so let them get on with it.
As far as the weeds in your garden go - are you being visited by a panel from the Royal Horticultual Society? Are you expecting to receive a medal in relation to the tidiness or otherwise of your garden? No. As long as the garden is free from toxic plants and has space to play in, nobody is going to notice whether or not it looks tidy and if they do, they're not concentrating on playing with the children!

Take a nap. Write "I'm wonderful with many skills and achievements" in very large colourful letters on a piece of paper and stick it on the door of your fridge. Get E to decorate it for you. Get a small picture of your father and put it in the kitchen and place a flower in front of it. Direct his attention to all the wonderful things you're doing and tell him how much you love and miss him. Your mother has her own journey to make.

Have a fantastic time tomorrow.

Much love from over the pond.

[Cynthia]

Sarah's words are wise and a more articulate version of what I wanted to say! No wonder you haven't been here much!! Whew.

Our guys went to a preschool coop and although we weren't one of the more involved families----it did take more attention/participation than public school does. Ernie did most of it so I can't complain but yes it is a little more all consuming so you are right on track for better or worse.

There's no DVD on earth, Disney or otherwise, that could have kept all those kids' attention at a time like that----I am so impressed that you learned this----you get more than a C AND you have a new skill that you might be able to use for something related more directly to your interests.....

We drive ourselves crazy when we're having people over (although not as much as I used to) but once they're there it is all fine....

Missing your father....well, that is something that comes in waves and I feel that with my father and my sister, that you seem to miss them more once you get through that initial grief and relief that they aren't in pain any longer. I know I've been missing my sister more lately....

anyway....enjoy the jam making----if you enjoy yourself so will they.....

you're doing good Cathy....

much love...