messages from the universe

I'm listening...

"Wow...  I find it hard to believe that such a creative person such as you would 'fall back' on a job that doesn't seem very satisfying.  Why wouldn't you do something with your creativity?"

"I think you're really busy right now pursuing lots of different paths, and many people are using you/depending on you for too much.  What you're trying to do right now seems much harder than if you had a full-time job, and you're not getting paid."

A dear friend in the Bay Area sent me a box of her newest preserves with an encouraging note. 

A warm thank-you note from another woman in the Bay Area who learned how to make jam and chutney with me last month.

I just don't know how to put it all together yet so that I can make money, feel inspired, and still keep the house/family responsibilities humming.  I'm touched by my friendships and the unexpected sweetness that came in the mail today, but I feel like shit because I don't know how to make money right now.  I don't even have time to problem-solve about it.  If I'm lucky, I may have three kid-free hours tomorrow.  Maybe I can come up with a solution for the rest of my life then.

I'm pretty tired of banging my head against this wall.

Comments

[Taylor]

Do you need to make money? Or do you simply want to do something else besides home-make all the time? What you give to your daughter by being there with her (and what you receive) is much better than money, and worth a lot more. Unless you are stagnant and unhappy with what you are doing. Are you?

Just my 2 cents.

[Stephanei]

Myself being a person who struggles with being a doormat, it's hard to catch oneself before committing/doing/offering too much. Then I struggle with self-resentment for not saying no more often, or at least saying 'yes' less...
I agree with what Taylor said...

[growingcurious]

Stephanie, I feel okay about what I'm offering folks lately. For example, it's meaningful to me to help people preserve food. That's time well-spent. I'm trying to communicate clearly so that I don't feel burdened.

Because of changes that our family will be facing in the next several months, I may need to get a real job somehow -- two or three years before I am "ready" to. I had hoped to move back to work more slowly, more organically, more on my own terms (like a business of my own).

Taylor, I agree that I'm doing very meaningful work here at home with E and in the garden. I actually had hoped that some of these passions (garden, preserving, cooking, sharing) would come together in a creative, professional way by the time E was in school longer hours.

But that venture won't be able to support a family within the next year. And I feel sad and overwhelmed about that.

[Taylor]

PDX is a big place. Surely there is somewhere that will pay you to share those passions?